permission slip

Amelia asks me what I want to be when I grow up, and I'm pretty sure I know the answer, but the more I obsess about that, the more frustrated and impatient I become at where I am now: a stay-at-home mom with two beautiful and fast-growing girls. So I decided the other day to give myself a sort of permission slip. This "permission slip" states that I give myself permission to continue to dream and desire. Permission to know what it is I feel God calling me to do, and to continue to make steps (albeit small) towards that calling. But even more, I give myself permission to enjoy and live today. To do what God has put right in front of me and to be passionate, truly passionate, about being a mom, loving those around me, being here...right now. I give myself permission to stop being jealous when someone else is (my silly interpretation here) living my dream or having some perceived greater impact or just doing things better than I feel like I'm doing. I don't want to live someone else's life, I want to live mine, and I want to live it in freedom and in joy and truth. And I know, I know, that someday soon I will give anything to see those little bodies running in the backyard, to hear their voices filling our home, to feel them crawl into bed with me in the wee hours of the morning. I know I will continue to struggle, to feel trapped at times, to be frustrated, but I know that already I feel lighter and a new sense of freedom: freedom from the expectations I have put on myself and freedom in believing God has me right where He wants me. And I'll keep reminding myself over and over until I finally get it.