sweet forgiveness

Lent is here once again. Although the calendar says Lent officially began Wednesday, it seems as though God wanted me to begin this Lenten season Monday night.

On that night the small group I am in talked about forgiveness. Well, not just talked about…we did forgiveness, or at the least moved towards it. I had been trying to hold out as long as possible, but there it was: the call to forgive. You see, we are trying desperately to believe that we are loved by God, that we, each one of us, are His beloved daughters. This is not easy. And along this journey it is imperative for us to see how big the gap is between us and God - how great the divide. To know that out of love for us He sent His Son to bridge the distance, to die our death so we may live. And it seems important to try and understand that we are all on a level playing field, even with those who hurt us so deeply, who have treated us unfairly, who have not loved us well. This is not easy either.

We each took a long piece of paper. And then we wrote the names of those whom we felt God was asking us to forgive (or even move one inch towards forgiving). We then wrapped the paper around a rock. This rock represented the burden we carry with us: the rock itself was cold, hard, dead. Then, my friends, we got brave. And we shared what sad, burdened stories came out of the names written on the paper.

Soon it was time to choose. We could give up our rocks. We could stand together and actually say the words, "I forgive you...." or maybe, "I want to forgive you...." We could lay down the burden we carry and pick up something else: a vase of flowers. Flowers that represent, for us, openness, beauty, growth, fragrance, life.

So that is what some of us did. Others had to continue to carry their rock. (One thing I know for sure is that true forgiveness can take loads and loads of time.) Some of us wanted to chuck the rock as far as we could and say "go to hell!" to terrible things that have happened to us, to the unfairness of it all, to ways we have held on too long to pain and death. Some of us were a little scared to let go of the rock because life has worked so long living out of that small place. Some of us breathed a sigh of relief as we gently laid the burden down.

Myself? I looked at my rock, holding the names of some I love so dearly. And, through tears, I named those whom I forgave. (Okay, one whom I am working on forgiving.) And I did feel lighter and I felt, and still feel, something that seemed like a mix of freedom and more space for love. I was a little surprised, to be honest.

But in the end, some things, for me, are easier to let go of. Other hurts are so deep that I have come to believe forgiveness is a process, a continual decision to forgive, to let go again and again...to love.

As we enter into Lent it all seems connected to me in a crazy way I cannot begin to articulate and really understand. My sin and my unforgiveness laid at the Cross with everyone else’s – even those who have hurt me so deeply. Sometimes this helps, sometimes it does not. But Monday night I chose life and I’ll choose it again today and hopefully tomorrow…as we journey closer and closer to the Cross. And I have to believe that is a start.