On July 17th Justin and I celebrated our twelve year anniversary. He started not feeling well over that weekend and a week later we were in the emergency room. What started out as needing to be hydrated, ended up with Justin having a catheter put in beside his heart to drain out a quart of fluid and admitting him to the ICU. He was in the ICU for four days. Most of this is still a mystery - the cause, the effect. A virus seems to be the culprit for what happened then and what is happening now. He is feeling better, but not well. He is still sick.
I have some truly amazing stories about how God met us in the ICU. And I am so grateful, really I am. But something happened to me during all of this. I have been made to face the God of My Worst Fears. The God who allows people to get sick, children to get cancer, husbands to die. Most of it goes back to the goodness of God. To that basic question it looks like I will be wrestling with my whole life: Do I trust Him?
The first night Justin was in the ICU, I walked into our bedroom alone (visiting hours are much more restrictive in the ICU, even for spouses). I closed the door behind me and was met with an unbearable silence. The silence of Justin gone. Words can't adequately describe that night, but it included little sleep, endless tears, desperate prayers, and a lot of phone calls to the ICU nurse. When I think back to that night, to the days and nights since, as we continue to have tests done, as I watch him trying to will himself back to the person he was before all of this, as I try to will myself to be positive, to be kind, to be hopeful, I feel God asking the question in all it's terrifying glory: Do you trust Me?
And through the anguish I whisper yes, knowing in my heart the answer is closer to no.
oh, Amy. You are always honest. It is so hard to trust during times of uncertainty, pain and heartbreak. All I can offer is the promise of prayers, encouragement and love. asking our heavenly Father to uplift, strengthen, heal and send His angels to protect Justin, you and your girls. asking for complete healing, wisdom for the doctors and peace for the Walker household.
ReplyDeletelove you, amy!
Thank you for your honesty and openness. It is always so refreshing and encouraging! Praying for J during this road of recovery.....
ReplyDelete"The heart is deceitful above all things, and beyond cure. Who can understand it?" Jeremiah 17:9 I think your courageous whisper of yes is in defiance of a heart that says no. All of our hearts are prone to say no, we feel like the answer is no..which is why we've been equipped with the courage to utter the word yes, to defy our own hearts. He knew we'd need to be able to do that.
ReplyDeleteI think Satan hates when we speak the truth. I think he hates it even more when we whisper it in anguish.
I love you so much and am praying for continued courage and peace in the battle.
Ah Amy, I love you! Amanda said it perfectly, and I am in complete agreement! Keep speaking truth even when it's difficult to believe it inside. God IS faithful.
ReplyDelete