sad smile

I saw my parents yesterday.  While this may not be news for most of you, it's a big deal for me.  I have seen my parents in the same room maybe three times in the past ten years.  There they both were: my mother and my father.  How could it be so utterly awkward and uncomfortable when they had spent a good part of a lifetime together? 

How can I reconcile a whole childhood of memories to this still strange, heartbroken reality? 

Now entirely separate but, for me, for me they are Mom and Dad, a pair; and they are, through my sister and I, linked together.  We are all tied to this sad, broken story of divorce.

Yesterday I meandered back and forth between my parents.  Ever the dutiful daughter, I wanted to make sure they both felt they had equal time with me and I also worried about them feeling lonely or out of place.  I knew it would be hard for them to be there together.  I was sitting with my Mom, visiting, laughing, eating wedding cake and glanced up across the room to see my Dad.  He was just looking at me, watching from the outside, and how terribly far the distance across that small room felt to me in that moment.  He smiled a sad smile, I tried to smile back, and then the moment was over. 

I sure do miss my family.  I think I always will.