our dog, bella

I have decided to rename my blog "The Most Depressing Blog Ever," although I am sure the name has already been taken and surely there are more depressing blogs than mine.  Either way, if you are having too good of a day and need to take it down a notch or two just head on over here.  Our dog is dying.  Justin and I picked Bella out as a eight-week-old puppy and brought her home to discover she loved laying in front of heaters and our gas fireplace.  And she sometimes get the "crazies" where she just runs all over the house or yard like a crazy, mad animal and we laugh and laugh at her.  She has been a fun, loyal, amazing-with-kids companion.  We found out Thursday she has cancer and all we can do now is love on her and make her comfortable until Justin and I decide if and when to end her precious life.  She doesn't seem to be in any sort of pain, but it is a terrible, terrible thing to watch her sleeping or trying to get up or doing anything...knowing the end is near and hoping, wishing, pleading for a big miracle of healing.  

I'm so tired of crying.  And I don't feel like I have the capacity to do what will need to be done for her.  Or to help my girls with their grief and in the midst of the sadness celebrate the life of a wonderful little dog.  A friend of mine wrote this to me: "...you have it in you to see your way through this and to see your girls through this in a way that helps them to understand how disappointment and sadness can lead us to Christ and can make us long for a place where there are no more tears and no more dying."  (Personally, I think she is giving me much more credit than I deserve.)  Since she wrote that I have been praying this Psalm for me and my family - God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.  I know she is a dog, but I also know God knows we love her deeply and that she has been a part of our family for a very long time.  I believe God really loves me and cares about the things I care about, I think He values life and that dying and death make Him sad - including my Bella.  I am trusting He will be my refuge and strength as I care for Bella to the end, as I mourn her and help my family grieve well...even though I really, really, really don't want to.  

What has helped the most so far is my sister calling last night after the kids went down and asking me how I was doing, which was terrible, and her saying she was doing terrible as well and we both cried together, then laughed a bit, and then cried some more.  She and her husband have known Bella as long as we have and have cared for and loved her too.  It has also helped tremendously to get e-mails from my friends who are praying for us and encouraging us and feeling sad for us.  And I realize that grief (and life) is indeed easier to bear when there are others who will help shoulder it with you.